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The Weekend
Because I have to write something.
Mon, Oct 14th, 2002
Appetizer
So as to tide you over
Fri, Oct 11th, 2002
Winterset Redux
Pictures!
Wed, Oct 2nd, 2002
Message Board
So my phone will get a rest
Mon, Sep 30th, 2002
More about Katie
Because I said so.
Fri, Sep 27th, 2002
Winterset
Plus a CD Review
Mon, Sep 23rd, 2002
Girls
GRRRRRRR!
Wed, Sep 18th, 2002
Crazy dream
Plus I got to hear some live polka
Fri, Sep 13th, 2002
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The Anna Nicole Show
Because someone thinks it's time we had a white trash Osbournes
I made a discovery today. It wasn't earth-shattering or bizarre or anything, but it
certainly gave me pause. I get the channel that carries Anna Nicole Smith's show.
I don't recall which one it is, and to be honest, I don't care much. If they show
the Anna Nicole Show, the rest of the stuff on that channel is probably not much
better.
You see, I spent much of this weekend watching movies and being just kind of lazy.
Why? Because I'm the only home this weekend. The upshot is that I watched some
traditional classic movies (Casablanca), some classic geek movies (Lawnmower Man),
and some assorted others. Oh, sure, I took some time to cook and clean and took what
may have been the first bath I've had since I started showering 15 years ago. Even
with those non-television activities at my disposal,by the time late Saturday rolled
around, I was flipping channels, and somewhere in the latter 70s, nestled between
900 number ads and Ron Popeil, was the Anna Nicole Show.
If you're not familiar with Anna Nicole Smith, you probably don't follow news and
have never picked up a Playboy, although if you went to school with her you might
remember her as Vickie Lynn Hogan. Actually, you know what? If you were in the same
classes with her in high school, I'm somwhat amazed that you managed to turn the
computer on.
Mostly known for being a Playmate of the Year in 1993, she married a 90 year old
man at the wizened age of 26. (They met in 1991 while she was a topless dancer.) He
died after just a year of marriage and she took her step son to court to obtain half
of her late husband's $1.6 billion estate. Initially awarded $450 million, they
later made her give it back and pay $1 million in fees, and then was awarded $88
million.
While she certainly raises the level of standards for class,
I just don't understand why anyone felt it was a good idea to give her a show.
I can understand the driving force behind giving Ozzy Osbourne his own show. He's
entertaining within the context that once upon a time, he was revered as a rock
and roll god, a man that many felt was the personfication of all that was wrong in
the 'Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll' mentality, and he's reduced to wandering the house
in a daze with a rather startled-looking expression that meekly asks 'why did I come
in here?' and yelling for his son to come help because he can't figure out how to
use the microwave or the CD player. Anna Nicole, on the other hand, was only known
for being attractive, although it's fair to say that, like Ozzie, she's slipping.
According to IMDB, her hobbies are laying in bed and watching TV.
It's hard to imagine a former model having less active hobbies than me, unless you
happen to see her. Now, I'm not not one to judge a person just because they're what
jeans-makers call 'Husky'. I'm right there, too. The difference between her and me
is that I recognize this fact and wear clothes that fit me well, whereas as far as I
can tell, her wardrobe consists mostly of spandex. On top of that, I'm not
sure who does her make-up, but my money is a near-blind circus clown.
In the episode I watched, she went to go take a driving test, and it kept cutting
back and forth between clips of her driving poorly and clips of her making pouty
faces and complaining that her driving instructor kept using his brake pedal. The
cuts were rather sudden and kept catching you off guard, a techinque directors call
'annoying'. After a bunch of that, they went to the DMV for her written
test. The guy in the back seat of the car who carries her dog around solemnly
explained that to pass she must correctly answer 30 of 36 questions. Then they give
her the test and show various clips of her either counting on her fingers
or cradling her head in her hands out of frustration. At the end, she got a total
of 17 questions right. For those of you who were in her math class, that means she
missed 19. Now, to be fair, I had to take my written test twice, but I was 14, and
I only missed the cutoff by 2 points. The only part of the whole ordeal approaching
entertainment was when she made a bunch of stupid faces at the camera and someone at
the DMV got confused and thought Anna was thumbing her nose at them.
Whoever green-lighted this show, I sincerely hope you're reading this. Please stop.
Find another line of work and go with that. Become a plumber, a valet, or even a
quantity surveyor. Anything that doesn't run the risk of creating another Anna
Nicole show, or I swear on everthing that's dear to me that I will hunt you down
and hurt you.
On a less psychotic note, I talked with JSP, owner/operator of 665 (link on the side
bar) about a couple of things, and he mentioned that he noticed the page and smiled.
My work here is done.
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